A resting place for words unspoken
Chamber for the muted scream
Tears damned in, like stagnant waters
Yearning for a flowing stream.
‘Tuts’ and ‘ahs’ and sheepish glances
False encounters, friendship trials
(Unyielding pain a fair exchange
For awkward, insincere smiles?)
This heart a mere reference point
And trauma just a word
Solipsism – the ‘educated’ path
For grief unheard.
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
‘I’m sad’, I said.
‘Feel into it now,’ said Present Me.
I let the sadness swish around,
Lapping at the edges of my heart
In gentle melancholic waves,
And then it ebbed away.
‘I’m lonely’, I said.
‘Be present to the sounds of the trees whistling in the wind’
Said Present Me.
I listened.
I became the trees and the wind.
And the loneliness ebbed away.
‘I’m scared’ I said,
‘Be present to your feet on the ground’
Said Present Me.
I felt the specks of dust tickle my toes
And the earth take my heels.
The fear ebbed away.
‘I’m without’ I said,
‘Be present to the fullness of the moment’
Said Present Me.
I let the in breath caress my lungs
And the out breath rinse my cares
Then the lack ebbed away.
‘I need love’ I said
‘Look inside’
Said Present Me
I rested my gaze deep within
And the need to be loved ebbed away.
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
I had been with her for many years; about thirty odd I think. I had abided her company more than I had abided anyone else’s but I often wanted to run away from being whole with her.
I would do anything to run away from her bland existence; headlong into the glitz and glamour; swooning at the feet of demigods and throwing money at the gold that didn’t glitter.
Other people drained her but she didn’t drain herself. She often told herself she lived in a small world away from everyone else. It was like being on a satellite; like being the man on the moon; watching the world, sometimes shining a mellow brightness onto it. She felt a strange feeling of disconnection yet integration at the same time.
The world was too noisy and loud: people were too crass, complex or downright dark. It was a demanding existence. Tuning out was much more bearable but it pulled on the heartstrings. She wanted to blend into another or into Other; to lose the anomie and to be a she of no Me.
She felt more whole with people or when she was in the woods, by the sea or in a music concert. It was as if being in her own body in her own self was prohibited: that her own body was somehow a signal to her that she ended where it began, that it was finite and limited – boundaried and bordered.
The signal disappeared when she was with others – when there was hope that she started where they began, that her existence and theirs played around at the edges of the space between their bodies, creating a whole being called a ‘We’ . A ‘We’ was special, lyrical, creative and powerful.
An ‘I’ was not.
Or so the story said.
When she felt that she was going to be an ‘I’ her mind told her that she was powerless, lonely and lacking in potential. She didn’t feel romance, magic or laughter. She felt loneliness and apathy.
Or so she thought.
She turned on the radio. A tune came on. It was the Lambada. She clicked her heels and moved her hips. The music was the Lead and it swayed her. She succumbed as the Follow. In her own company she dazzled but no-one had to receive her light; she was her own energy and had the capacity to dazzle regardless.
The song stopped. She laughed uncontrollably. She didn’t need company to light her up.
She was the creator of her own dance and she let her music play on.
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
This is some prose I wrote about the battle that we have with the shadow sides of ourselves. Learning to live with the darker parts of myself reminds me of learning to live with our household spiders, which for some of us is often a step too far!
SPIDERS
I have always been afraid of spiders. They are long, black spindly-legged specimens of dread. Their mortal threat lies there in their very being: not under the veil of a furry coat or a smooth skin but there, in your face with no punches pulled.
The spider. His crawly legs and sudden movements surprise as he sidles surreptitiously across the surface of the window sill. Silent but deadly. Then he stops: still but with a menacingly potent potential. He take no prisoners (unless you’re a fly). I mean – would you tackle a tarantula?
‘Spiders’, the vegan, animal-loving, lama-saving cohort chant, ‘Spiders are the kings of the household ecosystem, keeping all of those house flies away from defaecating all over your dinner’. I would rather have a fly poo on a pea, imperceptible to my naked eye than a spider in my bath, willing me to turn the tap on but then running out before I can unleash the fatal torrent in its direction: a display of twisted tactical mastery.
I clutch the piece of card and the Tupperware pot, waiting for an opportune moment to launch my attack on the malificent entity. It knows that I am about to mount a kidnap attempt, but unlike a mouse frozen before a pouncing cat, it stalls to outwit. No sooner do I bring the cardboard weapon down upon the wretched eight-legged currant, it runs six centimetres to the right. It stops, standing still. My frustration and anger build but the killer instinct takes hold and with a deft scoop, I catch my prey and open the window. It is humanely deposited on the window ledge. I shut the window and exhale in triumphant bliss. No more spindly-legged battles. No deaths. No tears. A mutually acceptable resolution I trust.
Sweet dreams; fluffy cloud sensations and spectrums of colour. I wake in the morning embodying a rested glow. I run the bath. Frothy bubbles frolic playfully under the gushing water. I lower myself slowly into the warm water. The warmth envelopes my being like an aqueous hug. I close my eyes and breathe. The tap drips hypnotically. Thoughts waft in and out of my mind. I look at the window above the bath. It is starting to steam up now. I start singing, a slow melancholy shanty. The melody rises up with the steam; sweet and angelic, heaven-bound, lulling me into a drifty soporific state. Then silence. The tap stops. The sounds tapers off, hanging in mid air. I spy something small in the corner of the window: small but not unremarkable. A black fleck poised with intent on the wrong side of the closed window (not the outside side). It goads me to investigate it further and I do.
I emerge from the embrace of the water with a Neptune-like glory. Death is in my sights now. Water is my power and I am the fleck’s nemesis. Every ounce of humanity that I ever had has rushed out of my body like a retreating garrison. With timing and aplomb I throw a sodden sponge at the fleck. This is it. Bang. Gone. Triumphant and bold like a Valkyrie princess I snatch the sponge to see my winnings only to be met by a surprising vacuum of fleckiness. NO FLECK? What the heck?
I look down and see it in all of its arachnid smirkiness heading snidily towards the toilet. I leapfrog out of the bath to catch it, taking a fishtank-load of water with me. I trip and bash my head on the toilet seat. I lie on the floor in a naked heap. My pride is damaged and I am vulnerable. I have been defeated by a centimetre-long household insect. The threat is present, real and hiding in plain sight in my own home.
The ever-present resistance I feel is comfortable, patterned, safe: trusted in its familiar unpredictability.
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
The Thought Constrictor proudly conquers the brain of the Prey, depositing layers of delusions into what becomes a tapestry of constricting thoughtforms. With a finely-specked endoscope, ready at any moment to shine light on the lies, fantasies and destructive projections I burrow into the depths of the central nervous system and sit there as a Patient Companion. Sometimes I can hear the snake spitting out venomous messages with no apparent trigger: ‘you’ll never do it’, ‘it will never happen’, ‘you will just stagnate’or ‘there is a problem’. The words reverberate round the walls of the skull like pneumatic reminders of the futility of the Prey’s existence. Sometimes the noise is so relentless that I surrender almost entirely to it as if I’ve succumbed to the narcotic hypnotism of a cultist ritual.
Cushioned by the grey squidgy tissue I nod off for a bit but then slowly open one eye. As I do so the noise dies down. I open the other and the noise now reaches a dull plateau. Like the syncopated repetition of a pumping house track in a crowded bar it is enough to keep my attention from waning. Urged on by the fact that I now have the attention of the Prey’s brain, the snake causes more thoughts to tumble out: ‘they don’t like you’, ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘you can’t say that’. This time, my awareness deepens and the thought forms become like an annoying brother or sister.
In order to get away from the low-level irritation I choose to jump into the eyes of the Prey’s brain and focus on the world outside of me. I focus on the passing cars; the flowy arcs weaved by the teenage skateboarder on the pavement and the jobsworthy traffic warden who triumphantly slaps a ticket on an illegally-parked Vauxhall Astra. The thoughts stop. The outside world in the moment has my attention and the snake has given the Prey the liberty of being back in his life again.
I am walked down the street until the Prey gets on a bus. He pays the driver and sits down warily at the front at a sufficient distance away from the vodka-swilling dreadlocked girls. The bus pulls away and the Prey drifts back into the maleficent stronghold of the Thought Constrictor. This time the thoughtforms are sharp and pointed: ‘you won’t score with the ladies’, ‘you’re a loser’,it says and the thoughts pinch the Prey sharply. I am tired so I let the thoughts roll. They roll around the Prey’s head as the bus sways around every corner. The backwards and forwards motion lulls me somewhat and the thoughts come out as words in a trance ‘yooou caaan’t get a giiiirllllfriend’or ‘you are too old’ and so on. I sit there. The Passive Patient Companion.
The bus stops and causes the Prey to jolt back and forth. I look through his eyes and see that the bus has reached the last stop. The Prey gets out of his seat and walks dolefully down the stairs. He steps off the bus and wanders into Poundland. ‘What a shame’ sighs the snake, ‘you’re such a failure you have to shop at a budget shop ha ha ha!’ I am more awake now and wink at the thoughtform and it sidles off. The Thought Constictor launches another thought. I watch it and it disappears.
‘Ah f**k it.It’s all b****cks anyway’ says the Prey under his breath. I feel something tense up in the front of his face. I reach out towards the inside of the jaws and can feel two pockets of creases on either side of the Prey’s face where the skin has bunched up. A smile, I think. He is smiling. I do a small cartwheel on the squidgy grey matting and then go back to sleep. The snake thinks he has won now that I am snoozing but the thoughts know not to return if they are going to be met with such robust challenge.
My job is done.
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
I stand here and watch as you destroy your world for no good reason.
A caustic cackle splinters the hopeless pause before you launch your fist into the door.
You don’t want this deep down but it is all that you know and it keeps you safe.
Ensnared by fear. Diminished by shame. Burdened by doubt.
You resist the unclipping of your wings, as that would lead you to discoveries about yourself
That might bust the myths you thirstily imbibe about who you really are.
For then you would realise that your own reality has been a lie:
A well crafted work of elaborate self-deceit.
As I shine my light towards you
Your demons laugh in my face
And that makes my light burn brighter and stronger.
But like a startled animal
You run back underground,
Hiding once more from the truth of yourself
And the pain of being loved.
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
Wandering the cityscape at night
I am the passenger with no ride
Passing by
Passive to the passers by
Let me be here
And the city says ‘yes’
Shadowy trees eerily extend gnarled branches
Like wizened wizards
Benevolent boughs of bonhomie:
A silhouetted sop to the anomie
(my soul’s familiar enemy)
Let me be here
And the city says ‘yes’
Figures scuttle rat-like and risky
Bin bags billow in the wind:
Black balloons
In chorus rustle;
‘Let me be here’
And the city says ‘yes’
Pimps and dealers
Cut deals on corners
On edge on the edge
With jagged intentions
Searing through
Serendipity
‘Let me be here’
And the city says ‘yes’
Girl meets boy
In temptation’s trist
Bodies entwined
Under sodium glare
Breathless they murmur
In heady unison
‘Let me be here’
And the city says ‘yes’
Copyright Fizzy Wisdom 2019
