As the year draws to a close I reflect on what a transformative year this has been. If I could choose a theme for this year it would be awakening. I started the year with fiery ambition and a myriad of plans designed to catapult me into the dizzy heights of business ownership. Yet I finished the year by enjoying just being, pure and simple, with no particular plans or defined route map to 2021.
Like for many others, 2020 was not the easiest of years for me emotionally, but my triggers were all internal and spontaneous rather than related to the perceived loss of freedom or loss of work. As the lockdown hit, I found that I had the time to undergo some intense periods of emotional purging. I cried tears of grief and howled with anger. I re-lived trauma. I experienced deep pain which arose from the depths of my body. I had never experienced anything quite so intense. In the past I have had resistance to emotions on occasions and have feared deep sadness and grief. However, this resistance seemed to melt away as I knew that this experience was necessary in order for me to find a new sense of peace and contentment within.
I have experienced several dark nights of the soul throughout the last ten years but this was different as I knew why it was happening and I felt totally guided. It was challenging but I knew that that I was letting go of what I didn’t need any more. I surrendered to the process. It was a good thing that I did because there were gifts behind the pain. Following on from this period of intense purging I have felt a deeper sense of love, connection and joy than I have ever experienced before.
Around this time I started sounding in light language. I was in the kitchen one Sunday and felt like I wanted to burp. Suddenly all these sounds came out, which were not within my direction or control. I was totally freaked out at first until I got to know more about it from facebook groups and the internet. I then found out that there were many other people around the world who were channelling this expression of the higher self through singing, drawing or sounds. The beauty of it is that it is not directed or contrived by the mind and is akin to writing poetry or doing art. It is true creative expression. It brings with it an incredible feeling of wellbeing and joy. It is also known as ‘speaking in tongues’.
As I navigated the ups and downs of the pandemic and my own emotional responses and triggers to it, I used this wonderful gift to heal and soothe myself. On some occasions I would channel the language and focus on a part of my body. Then huge waves of some hidden past emotion would surface as if coming up for release. The language would soothe me on an energetic level and I felt utterly held. It was the most incredible experience I have ever had. I was also not in the driving seat so for me, it was a welcome surrender of my alpha female control freak.
I have had heart awakenings before but this was not comparable to any other. Ironically my journey inwards happened both internally and externally. I was at home and like many others, lost many things: work, a social life and a sense of the identity that I had established for myself by reference to external. This was the year of being at home in more ways than one. Coming home for me was a deep knowing that who I was was not based on my job, my friends, a relationship or the material possessions that I had. It had nothing to do with how I presented myself on facebook or what posts I put out. It had nothing to do with what others thought of me or whether I had attained some level of success. All that was illusory. While I knew this before on some level, this year made me feel it in a way that I had never felt it before. I felt the deepest love, joy, surrender and peace that I had ever felt: not from a relationship or a holiday but merely by being at home and going inwards through meditation and channeling. For me, this was the game changer. Nature became more vibrant and inspiring than ever before. The sense of connection from a simple walk in the woods was profound. I had woken up but this time, instead of poking my head out of the duvet for several minutes and then falling back to sleep, I had thrown off the covers and found myself fully embracing my new found experience of reality: a reality created by me from the humble surrounds of my own home.
Being fully awake has not meant that I am living some life of unadulterated bliss, covering myself in asses’ milk and supping on mung beans. I still have the triggers, patterns and negative beliefs but I now see them clearly and regard them with a compassionate curiosity. Perhaps that greater willingness to sit with all of my emotions and thoughtforms has created greater self-compassion. I am not perfect and yet I still judge others sometimes. Many other people annoy the hell out of me (especially as I get older) but I deeply know and feel that we are all one humanity and have a lot of work to do to heal division and separation, especially in an increasingly polarised world.
I am, in many respects, the naughty school girl in the spiritual classroom. I don’t always listen to my intuition. I often drink a great deal more than 14 units a week and I like a Sunday roast. I get distracted away from my path constantly. I find mung-bean eating hippies can make inspire a silent rage within. I still use labels for people (see previous sentence). However, I see all of this and embrace it as an aspect of my humanity without judgment. There was one time when I feared I might have to be perfect and erase all the ‘badness’ out of me in order to reach some sort of inner spiritual nirvana. That was never going to happen in my world. While I am sure that this is one route to enlightenment (and each to their own blah blah) true self knowledge and self-empowerment is about accepting it all, including the parts of ourselves that are less than perfect, and welcoming them all to the party. Because – quite frankly – it would be a very boring party without them – a bit like going to a party where someone tried to hide all the booze and kidnap all the fun people.
So I end the year in a very simple way. Like many others I have no pub to go to on New Year’s Eve. I have no interest in the sales. I am not inclined to watch glittery celebrities boasting about their numbers of twitter followers on prime time TV. Instead I am going to focus inwards and shut my eyes because for me now, that is where all the magic will happen.
Fizzy Wisdom 2020
Below is a YouTube I did to bring hope if you’re having a hard time with a light language transmission to help you find the resilience, courage and spirit within to keep going.